


A letter.

by Lunar_Berry



Category: Hat Films - Fandom, The Yogscast
Genre: Depression, Implied Kim/Ross, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2018-03-31 03:58:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3963532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunar_Berry/pseuds/Lunar_Berry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It hurts, you know. Well, of course you know. The cold space just to the left of me at night and the morning where your smile used to light up my day. I breathe daggers every second we've been apart and I can't listen to your glorious laugh without that constant stabbing pain in my chest."</p>
            </blockquote>





	A letter.

_A letter._  
  
It hurts, you know. Well, of course you know. The cold space just to the left of me at night and the morning where your smile used to light up my day. I breathe daggers every second we've been apart and I can't listen to your glorious laugh without that constant stabbing pain in my chest. I see you every day, I've seen you with people hanging from the arm I should have been on and it makes me envious, so terribly envious to know you don't see me like you did them. I try, Ross, oh god I try to blot out the pain and I try to stop my heart jumping when you accidentally brush against me in a stupid vlog, or passing each other in the corridor. I've cried when there's been no more tears left to get rid of and I've screamed until my throat has bled and nothing could ever stop me from loving you. From loving every part of you. From your pretty blue eyes to the moans that would spill my name from your lips to the incredible drive you had to achieve everything you've ever wanted and more. I love everything about you and it hurts. It kills me. I know that we’re each other's poison, I know I pull you down and I know you're constant drive for success annoys me. I know that when you left my arms for someone else's bed, I knew you regretted it. But what can I say? You broke that trust and even though we have to talk on a daily basis I feel like ice runs in my veins every time I see you. I tried to cut that ice out once, you know that too. You couldn't look at me in the hospital and I don't blame you, I couldn't even stand myself. But what are we without each other? I don't want to do anything at all, sometimes I don't want to exist. I pull the covers over my eyes and wish the world would forget about me. In the beginning, when you learnt that, you would ease me from the warmth into your arms with a smile that melted me and you'd make me work and I would always feel happy for it at the end of the day when we would sit together in bed, silently, our hands saying everything our occupied mouths couldn't. Those days where you would hardly leave the computer for editing a song or managing our accounting or something stupid, those days I pulled you from the desk and we'd walk, just anywhere, arms linked, laughing about everything that bubbled over our lips. I miss it all, Ross. Every. Second. It's like I'm living the same agony, the same pain, over and over again and it tells me I'm not good enough and I know this. I know you.  
I know that forever, until the moon falls from the sky and the stars fall from your eyes and until the air has left my lungs, I will know.  
I will always love you, my sun. My stars.  
  
_My love._  
  
_Alex Smith._

* * *

  
It’s 8pm when Ross finally looks at the small handwritten note on his desk – he can see the words he's been ignoring indented on the page. Its 8:03 when Ross hurriedly rings Alex with tears streaming form his eyes and apologies tumbling over his lips. It's 8:04 when Alex doesn't answer, and 7 minutes later, (Ross is constantly looking at the clock on his phone and counting the seconds) that Ross is knocking, banging, shouting for Alex through his door. It’s one minute later and the door gives way, in the next Ross's shaking hands are dialling 999. Their words are a blur but Ross listens as best he can while he sobs, choking out the words 'pills' and a strangled 'help him'. They tell Ross to walk Alex around, the wake him up, get a response, but Alex's cold skin is too pale, too (not) dead. Ross hopes to god that he's wrong.

  
That next morning Ross is sat quietly, withdrawn, sleep deprived by Alex's bedside while he rests. The doctors ask about them but Ross can't talk. Or he won't talk. He's not sure which at this point. He knows it's his fault, knows why Alex tried to-to-, (Oh get the words out-) kill himself. Ross rushes to the toilets, throwing up a non-existent breakfast and the tears staining his cheeks- goddamn those tears.  
“If-if I hadn't- with Kim, I shouldn't-this wouldn't-I can't-please, please, -I”  
And then his throat is burning all over again and the thought of Kim haunts his memories. Alex's face when he found out, the pain, the hurt. But never anger. Alex had said he was okay, he was fine. He didn't shout, he didn't cry, he said it was over - “No lies” - he had said. Ross knew for a fact that when he was then left alone with Kim everything was wrong, her smile was never warm enough and her laugh was never loud enough.  
The tiles he was laid on were cold. His hands were shaking and his mind was too turbulent to believe that strong, rough hands were helping him up. But this wasn't about him, it was about Alex. It always was, for Ross, and he liked it that way. Ross pushed the hands away, rinsed his mouth with plain old water, he dried his face and steadied his breath. (Just cover it up, you're good at that-hiding emotions) A grimace passed his face before Ross calmly walked back to the ridiculously over-sterilised room.  
He saw Alex, sat up, eyes on his hands in his lap, fingers twitching. From that alone, Ross remembers, Alex is trying not to scratch himself until he bleeds. Ross doesn't knock, but he stands for just a second in the open door before walking in. Alex has no choice. The silence was barren and icy.  
“Alex.”  
No reply.  
“This...talk. It's long overdue.”  
Alex closed his eyes, his eyebrow furrowed.  
“And there will be no lies.” Ross's voice felt raspy, Alex would know Ross had been crying. “I cheated on you. That...is a fact. But I never considered you, and that was the most selfish thing I have ever done.”  
Alex huffed, tears on his cheeks.  
“I never apologised. There's so much I've done wrong, and everything I've done has been fucked up to the point I couldn't care less about...you. But I know I do.”  
Ross took a deep breath and mentally listed the things he wanted to apologise for. The list was far too long. The list shouldn’t exist.  
“I'm sorry for leaving you for another person. I sorry I kept it a secret. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry...she...told you. I'm sorry I avoided you. I'm sorry I ignored you in every aspect of our lives except for videos. I'm sorry that I caused you so much pain, I'm sorry that I caused all of this.”  
Alex buried his head into his hands, shoulders jerking.  
“I'm sorry I called you obsessed when in fact, I'm the one who's obsessed. Obsessed with you.” Ross whispered, his fingers playing with stray threads on his cuffs. He's shaking.  
“I can never apologise enough to make up for the ridiculous amount of shit I've caused you. But you were never angry at me.” It was a statement. Ross needed Alex to speak, to know Alex was breathing, to know he was alive.  
So Alex spoke softly, so softly that Ross could hear the raw pain in the words.  
“I was, you know. I denied it, promised myself we would be okay. I smashed glass and I cut myself, hoping that the screaming would help. I tried to think about what I would give up for us to be back together and then I- I tried...-I-”  
“Alex, oh Alex.” Ross was mumbling, tears he condemned falling freely down his face as he stood at pulled Alex into his arms. “Please, please know that I- god I love you. I. Love. You. With all my heart and soul and nothing is ever going to take me away from you. No-one is ever going to take me away from you.”  
“I'm so, so sorry, it was stupid and I should never have done it. It's my fault.”  
“It's not your fault, it never was your fault.” Ross reassured, stroking his fingers through Alex’s coarse hair.  
“I feel like everything I do is wrong and messed up.”  
“We all do messed up things, but we learn from them and change our future.”  
“You were always the one with stupid quotes from obscure people.” Alex huffed, a small smile on his face. It didn’t reach his eyes.  
“Yeah, but you said that to me on our first date when I burned that chicken.” Ross rasped, his eyes squeezed shut so he could imagine the scene before him.  
“Oh. Well, you can't cook shit all mate.”  
“I don't want to cook shit, it's not a good meal.”  
“You've rimmed me before though.”  
“Smith!”  
“And you liked it.”  
“Oh my god.” And Ross was chuckling, he could hear Alex's small giggle below him. Alex pulled away from Ross, then pulled Ross down to sit in front of him on the bed. His smile broke as he looked into Ross's eyes.  
And for the first time in a long time, Ross truly looked at Alex.  
His eyes were dull, the usual honey brown orbs lit with mischief looked almost cracked and pale. His skin was like ivory but grey, ashen. His hair, those long silky auburn tresses that Ross could long ago lose himself in were short and matted. His beard was short but patchy, as it had gotten too long and Alex hadn't cared to shave properly. He looked too thin, too fragile, as if he was shrinking in on himself.  
And it was all Ross's fault.  
Lifting a hand tentatively, Ross let his fingers drag along Alex's cheek, the bones too gaunt on his face. Ross rubbed the tears away with his thumb.  
“This isn't healthy.”  
“I've been told that.” Alex whispered, and Ross thought it was more of a rattle of air than anything else.  
Alex lifted his hand to hold Ross's on his cheek. Scars lined his arms, pale cuts that Ross had once stopped before. He vowed to do it again.  
“Alex...let me... help. You.”  
“I don't know if I can.” Then his voice broke. “I trusted you.”  
“I know, but I can't bear to see you like this.”  
“You mean you can't bear to live with something you've accidently caused?”  
“No, I can't. And I want to change it because-”  
“You feel guilty?”  
“No-”  
“Of course you do.” Alex said bitterly, but his hand still gripped Ross's. “I want to, I really, really, want to...”  
“I understand.”  
“No, you don't! You don't 'understand'! Do you know what it's like to wake up and want to kill yourself? Do you 'understand' the pleasure from cutting away all the poison out of me and feeling even guiltier after? Have you ever considered what it's like to live my life?!” Alex shouted, tears pouring down his face as he pushed Ross's hand away.  
“No, I don't, so tell me. Tell me everything, tell me what you're feeling.” Ross pleaded, his eyes searching Alex's.  
“I feel dead. I feel like every day is a repeat of the same thing and the only time I feel alive is when I hurt myself, when I cut. I keep going and going until I can't think anymore because I'd rather take that than feeling. When I look at you I feel resent. I feel hatred. I feel guilt. And as much as I hate myself for it, I feel love. I feel like my mind is a mess and I don't know myself anymore, I don't know the person I was or the person I've become but I don't like it and I'm so fucking scared of everything.” Alex gasped, his words like air. “I'm terrified of myself.”  
“Have you tried to get any help?” Ross felt himself asking. He knew the answer.  
“No. I don't need any of them.”  
After a moment of silence Alex spoke again, broken and hitched.  
“I need you.”  
“I will always be here for you. Always.” Ross said softly, letting Alex fall against him.  
“I'm exhausted.”  
“Can you sleep?”  
“Stay with me.” Alex mumbled, his eyes drooping as he pulled Ross down to lie with him.  
“Forever, my love. Forever.”


End file.
